Domestic Violence Verse

Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past
War! How can we live becoming dry plastic kids!
Ashes bitter earth breath to the last
With metaphysical opening marital aids.

Commonsense Approach to Domestic Violence

Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years. People use the words as if they represent an incurable disease rather than what it really is, deplorable human behaviors. It doesn't matter how many times Oprah, Sally, or Montel talk about domestic violence it is still happening to many of their audience members and viewers, why?

In this society we have a bad habit of excusing women of being responsible for themselves, thus leaving them as victims to the madness of their abusers. It's imperative women understand their bodies and minds are to be treated with respect and honor, and it is within their power to enforce treatment befitting a human being.

Enforce? Yes, if they're in an environment that is unhappy due to beatings and cruel criticisms it's their duty to move to safer ground, a place where negative words and actions are not levied against them. Women need to know, if a man or woman loves them enough to fill a mustard seed they would never give them a black eye,bruise ribs, shoot or cut them, nor would they ever open their mouths to utter degrading terms directed at them. Love should never humiliate or beat you silly.

For the past decade talk shows have filled the airways with sad stories of living with violently insane persons but they left out a significant part, the part of the woman. Men and women both sit on talk shows claiming they can't control their behavior, they blame their parents and babysitters for abusing them, they blame the parish priest for molesting them, they blame society for not removing them from an abusive household as children, they blame the gun manufacturer, they blame their loved ones for upsetting them and the list goes on. When will the blaming to justify their abuse stop?

It'll stop when women (and men) stop making excuses for why their "love ones" hit, kick, bite, and degrade them. It'll stop when women walk away the first time a man (or woman) assault them, instead of, enduring twenty years pretending he or she's going to magically change.

Recently I saw a talk show discussing domestic violence and I was deeply sadden by the guest speaker's summation of domestic violence. There was a theme emerging, the only person to blame is the perpetrator, after all they're mentally ill. Not once did she point out how victims aren't victims until they surrender their power, which gave the impression she was saying the victims aren't responsibility for themselves.

I'm not saying they (as in the victim) can control anyone but themselves, no I'm saying there's always something the "victim" can do to legitimately protect themselves from further harm. Are these options perfect? The answer is no, but, at least the "victim" would be attempting to do something rather than throwing their hands in the air and accepting the harsh treatment as facts of life.

After watching the show I soon discovered other women who were also put off by the so-called abuse expert's explanations and comments. Like me they were left with a sour taste in their mouth on how women are encouraged to remain passive and not pro-active to the first signs of abuse. There's power in saying and meaning, no I will not permit you to hit me ever, but somehow it seems these experts are trying to preserve victimhood.

Three women confided in me their reasons for being disappointed with the show's guest.

"I lived with abuse for fifteen years. Every weekend I wore a black eye. One day I woke up and thought to myself, I don't hit him so why should I let him hit me. That's when the light came on, I should be treated the way I treat him. I took responsibility for my allowing this man to hit me. I decided he wouldn't hit me anymore and got out. Who cares how mentally ill he is, I have to be sane for me and see where my power lies." VPalmer

"Expert huh? Women will always be victimized if they never see by not reacting with action, as in getting out, when abuse first starts they're enabling the abuser. Why is it so hard to just say that instead of all that beating around the bush." anonymous

"I'm disgusted. Women can count on future generations being abused because there's no encouragement for them to feel strong and in charge of themselves." Lee

It's time we, as human beings, take responsibility for our futures the way God intended and stop handing over our power to decide our own fates to uncaring and abusive people. REMEMBER this, someone giving you a black eye is not a sign they love you, it's a sign they have issues that has nothing to do with you and it's time for you to get away from them.

Regena English, the editor of The Leather Spinsters Newsletter and Leather Spinsters on the Web Ezine publications for happily unmarried careerwomen. She is also the author of a controversial ebook entitled Leather Spinsters and Their Degrees of Asexuality, http://www.leatherspinsters.com.

Marriage Survive Verse

Every marriage has its ups and downs
And sistuhs, dat boy outta sight...
And the world rejoiced for the town
Cause people to fall off heights or get into fights...

Help Your Marriage Survive The Rough Spots

Every marriage has its ups and downs, its rough periods. Even in the best of circumstances, there are going to be difficult times.

People change.

Circumstances change.

Emotions change.

Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday life places incredible pressure on a relationship.

Almost unnoticed at first, you begin to think thoughts that had once been unthinkable. "I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore." "I'm not attracted to her, not like I was in the beginning." "Maybe if we separated for awhile ..."

The skies can darken in a hurry.

But if you survive these darkest of times, you may find you emerge with a stronger, more trusting relationship than you ever imagined possible.

Here are a few tips that might help you toward that goal ...

- Have a clear understanding of your expectations. Couples rarely take the time to discuss how the little things will work. What does romance mean to each of you? How will the finances be handled? How will your children be raised? What role will religion play in your relationship? What makes you feel loved? What hurts you? How will arguments be resolved? How will decisions be made? What do you need from your spouse, what does your spouse need from you?

- Don't fight unfairly. There will always be disagreements. Deal with the matter at hand. Don't drudge up all your hurts and disappointments from the past. Those are different matters, to be handled separately, at a different time. Keep focused on the issue under discussion and avoid muddying the waters with generalized personal attacks ("You're always nagging." "You never do anything unless I tell you to do it first.")

- Face the issues that are facing you. Hiding from reality never leads to a happy ending. If you're experiencing financial problems, admit it, get it out in the open.

- Be honest with yourself. Take a step back and give yourself a good long look in the mirror. If your behavior is undermining your relationship (whether it's the way you communicate, or how you treat your spouse, or your personal destructive behavior) own up to it.

-= Take the initiative. Understand that waiting for your spouse to change first will likely result in no change at all. Actions come first. Thoughts and feelings follow. Change your behaviors and watch your spouse's behaviors change in response.

- Rebuild compatibility. Time has a way of unveiling the differences between couples, especially when your marriage is in trouble. Seek out those interests you have in common with your spouse. Look for opportunities to share activities together. Perhaps it's ballroom dancing, or photography, or camping, or trips to the beach.

- Remember what it was like when you were dating. What was it that first attracted you to your spouse? What made you first fall in love? How can those feelings be rekindled?

- Keep your sense of humor. Life is challenging enough without having to live with a brooding, angry spouse. Laugh out loud the way you did when you were a kid. Happiness is a choice. Exercise it.

Marriage is a sacred vow to love your partner for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till ... well you know the rest. Unfortunately, for many people, the pressures, challenges, and monotony of married life have doused its wonderful positive aspects.

Maybe it's time to rekindle the magic.

David B. Silva, Understanding Divorce http://understandingdivorce.com.