Sunday, July 15, 2007

Rap Or Metal Poem

I don’t believe there is one end-all way -
Febuary is the longest month,
As long as I am here, I will not spend day,
Creature that has biggest mouth.

Which Is Better: Rap Or Metal?

I don’t believe there is one end-all way to answer this question and it depends greatly on what aspect of each genre you are measuring.

Mortality rate, for example. Metal is leaps and bounds ahead of hip-hop when it comes to the extermination of its own fans. Not a single week goes by that I don’t hear about some metal club or concert venue where show-goers are trampling each other at the entrance, at the exit, in line for the pisser, blasting each other’s junk in the mosh pit, or burning the building down where the show takes place. The fires usually start after the emergency exits are so choked with dead metal-fan corpses that the women, children and Somali refugees are unable to escape. More buildings have been destroyed by fire as a result of metal concerts than for any other reason in the history of mankind. A lot of people don’t know that.

Rap fans, on the other hand, are the reason that hip-hop artists are about to be added to the endangered species list. Is there another genre of music out there whose fans are more responsible for the deaths of its artists? And just to clarify, I count any talentless hack who can’t get a record contract and blows some artist away in a drive-by as a fan. The one thing you can say about rap violence, though, is at least it is usually intentional and targeted at one individual, or in some cases, one individual and his crew. Sometimes a few bystanders are unlucky enough to stop a few caps with their large intestine, but usually that happens outdoors in a well ventilated area instead of choking off emergency exits with rank, smelly metal bodies.

Talent-wise I think it’s a push. Both have a few really good artists, and a whole lot of really, really, really, really shitty ones. I don’t think I’m exaggerating, but the ratio between good artists and bad is something like 1:48,562,878,214,951. And you know, I’m fine with people making bad music, since it gives them something to do where I don’t have to look at them. All I ask is that they don’t offend my ears with their aborted fetus made audible.

So what makes music good anyway? Drugs, of course. And who does more, rap or metal? Certainly rappers smoke weed by the bail, but I think the fact that they talk so much about it gives the edge to metal. Drugs are so much a part of the metal lifestyle and culture, they’re not even worth mentioning anymore. While marijuana may be a rapper’s best friend, speed, meth, coke, heroine, and basically anything else you can smoke, snort, inject, or take as a suppository are metal’s ambiguously gay uncle.

I think this is where you’re expecting me to give the final edge to one or the other. Well, I can’t really decide. So, I don’t think there is any better way to end this debate than with me getting a hand job. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH... There we go.

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Tips For Musical Theatre Serenade

One of the most difficult parts of being,
Being that shaving can cure,
Just offer her a wedding skiing
As she sat silently listening, so demure...

Auditioning Tips for Musical Theatre

One of the most difficult parts of being in musical theater, especially for kids, is the auditioning process. What follows are 3 of the most important tips to give your child when it comes to auditioning for musical theatre or Broadway shows:

1) Find Out What’s Needed for the Audition

This might seem like common sense, but it’s very important to know specifically what the people who are conducting the audition are looking for. Keep in mind there are three aspects to musical theatre -dance, singing, and acting. Sometimes an audition calls for you to know 16 bars of a song and to bring their own music. Other times the audition calls for you to have memorized a 1 minute monologue. Often there is a dance call as part of the audition, and you need to be wearing proper dance clothes. Find out ahead of time what specifically will be required.

2) Select the Best Material that Fits Your Talents

Once you know what is required at the audition, you then you need to pick a song and/or a monologue that will suit your talents. It’s very important to pick a song and then practice the song in the key that the sheet music you have is written in. Sometimes people go to auditions and there music is in a different key than they’re used to singing in. This can be a disaster! Go online to buy and print the sheet music if you have to. Online sheet music often allows you to play the song on your computer and change the key to best suit your range. When picking a monologue, pick something that suits your natural personality and acting abilities, and that you can feel comfortable performing.

3) The Three Most Important Things About an Audition - Practice! Practice! Practice!

Once you know what is required for the audition, and once you select your material, you need to start practicing. This doesn’t mean learning the song in the car on the way to the audition! You need to start practicing as easily as possible so when you get to the audition you’ll be relaxed and able to perform at your best. Practice in front of your friends, family, neighbours, and anybody who will listen. Your family and friends will always tell you how great you are. Your friends will be honest! Listen to their suggestions, and just do the best you can!

Author: James Kronefield. Are you a fan of Broadway shows and musical theatres? Then is just for you!

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